She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
