All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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