he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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