so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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