Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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