I'm going to jail i love you
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
