By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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