I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
