i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
