My hand turned me down
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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