and you said cock pushups were impossible
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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