i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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