dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
