you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't turn off my feet"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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