We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
