I'm eating all of the evidence.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
