I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
