Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
