the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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