The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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