I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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