I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
