I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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