so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
