and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i think i just lost a toe
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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