with your own penis?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
