I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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