Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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