i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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