I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
