She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
