I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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