My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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