I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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