Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
