meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
