I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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