I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
