I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
