my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
