I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
