Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
