Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
