Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
