i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
