I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
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She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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