Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
