1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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