I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
