i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
