I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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