I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
