Are we in a gay sports bar?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
