No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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