There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
