I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
