He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
