I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
