Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She told me I should be a condom model.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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