Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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