mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
