he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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