Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
