Ambien. No doubt about it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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